“I am with You Always.”

Hi friends! You probably all know that I’ve been home since January 9th. I love blogging though, and I wanted to give you guys an update on my life at home so far/ what I’ve been learning throughout this past month or so. 

It has been a hard season. Many questions for God, many moments of being comforted by my Heavenly Father, but also many sweet reunions and encouragements that my God comes with me wherever I go. He has never left me and He never will. Being in the States again is far different than I anticipated it to be throughout my 5 months on the race. I often found myself counting down the days until I got to come back home to the comfortable life I had in the States, because things were also hard on the race. Adjusting to life oversees was very hard for me at times, and we were stripped from all the things that used to be comfortable to us back at home. I anticipated the day that I would be reunited with my friends and family because I missed them all so bad. I continually prayed that the Lord would help me to be more present with who and what I had right in front of me, but it was a battle every day. In early December when my mom began to get more sick, I quickly realized that I was not guaranteed 9 months on the mission field. Just because I signed up for a 9 month gap year did not mean that I was going to be able to stay for those full 9 months. My prayers to be more present intensified as the reality of leaving became a larger possibility every day. 

The Lord saw my heart and He started to adjust my perspective. I started to fully understand how blessed I was to have each day with my squad and doing ministry oversees. I began to truly see each day as a gift and the thought of leaving my squad hurt my heart. Every day I prayed that the Lord would reveal His plans for me as I received more bad news about my mom. He reminded me of Proverbs 16:9, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” While I planned to be away from home for 9 months, that was not the Lord’s will. He called me there for a season, but He has the sovereignty to bring me back home whenever He wants. After a month in prayer, the Lord finally made it clear in the beginning of January that He wanted me to come back home for the time being. I made the decision while our squad was at debrief in Costa Rica and only had 3 days left until we all went to the airport. That was when I left my squad to come home. It was easy to be overwhelmed by the thought of adjusting back to life in the States; which all of the sudden did not sound so pleasing anymore, on top of dealing with the grief of potentially losing my mom. 

Isaiah 43:1-2 says “ Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.” 

FEAR NOT. Over and over again the Lord has reminded me of this. Everything in my life can continue to change but He will continue to be in control. All that I need to do is trust that He is and focus on what He has placed directly in front of me. No need to worry about months or years down the road. Who has He put in front of me today? What has He asked of me for this day? If it is something that requires a lot of trust and faith, trust that the maker of the universe has called you HIS. When you pass through the raging waters, and the waves continue to get larger and seem as if they are going to overtake you, He is there walking with you. He ensures that you will not be overtaken by the waves that continue to crash around you and even over you. Am I still trying to write this truth on my heart daily? Yes, but God never told us that we would fully understand something right away. It is a daily process. Will I choose today to love those around me even when everything else is different than I could have imagined? Only by Him and through Him are we able to face the waves of each day.

I know this was all over the place, but I just wanted to share a little bit of what has been happening in my heart since being home. Please join me in prayer over me and my family’s hearts as we mourn the loss of our mom. Please pray that I would see the beauty in being back in the States, as it has been a pretty overwhelming and not so comfortable experience so far. And please pray that I would continue to draw near to my Heavenly Father’s heart as I spend this next month or so home… Because the big news is that the Lord is allowing me to rejoin my squad in March!! I will be meeting up with them in New Jersey to go to Eswatini and finish out my race! But for now, I am here. Living a life far different than I could have imagined, but the Lord knew and called me here for such a time as this. 

Thank you to everyone who has supported me and my family throughout this past month!

Love,

Ryann